Ever had people who call you friends when the times are so good that even a random stranger would want a part of you and even when times are slightly better, they are still there to stay. But, when times get a little worse than it normally does, they actually leave? Like for real? Or maybe not leave, they
simply bail away as though they for that every minute don't know who
you are like all of a sudden? It happens, we all know that but then
again do you consider it acceptable? Like it is perfectly alright
because "that's just how life goes"? No, not for this Maverick Daydreamer!
Can you believe that after all this time, you come to the realization that the people you thought you can really trust are actually not loyal, that they would not be part of your circle when times are not good? Corny but that's still a fact of life we cannot escape from. And yes, I have also learned that despite how some people always cling on to you when they need a shoulder to cry on, that don't really mean they will not dump you when they think the time is right that your presence makes little or maybe no difference to them. I, even at this age learned this the hard way. Very hard way.
I ask myself time after time; have I not learned from my mistakes? Of trusting people a little more (or way more) than I should? Maybe so. Now, I realize it is all so true that people can be plain ungrateful, some would silently use you just because it seems easier that way. Because it is just more convenient, despite all the times you have been there for them, they can ignore all that. And I wonder, how did I hang on for so long? Some say I am too kind, because no one would be so nice. Maybe I was, and one thing that is not a "maybe" is that I should have known better all along.
Some time ago, "she" made me realize just how insignificant I am to her. That our friendship is not half as important as people who can "have more fun" hanging out with. It's a shame, real shame. That some people think that friendship is all about hanging out, taking photos and posting it on Facebook or Instagram. In the Social Media age of today, this has become a practice although it is really not my thing. So it seems my true friends are indeed people I have known all my life, and the fact that they have been with me all my life, should have told me that they are indeed truthful.
Though the holidays are here, but I think I ought to spend this holiday with more music and writing, in fact, I should do that more often. Solitude is the glory of being alone, so I guess that's how it should remain. Now that I think of it, I really miss listening to love songs in my room alone. "Alone". A very understated word actually even if there are not other physical presences in my room. Only someone like me can understand this, or dreamers alike. At one point in life or another, we tend to miss the one we used to be. So do I, in fact, all the time actually. In a way, I shouldn't be.
Life is about moving on and sometimes we move on from heartache to heartache to find our inner glory, one that no one can take away from us. Despite all the times I have been used, the times that I have been taken for granted, I know that it is most important that I stand tall still. It is hard to accept the fact that people whom you shared your past with actually believe they have the right to judge you just because they have more privileges than you ever had. And even though they know your past, they still can't be concerned enough to be more thoughtful of your emotions.
I can honestly say, that I have made real efforts to be thoughtful and as caring as possible towards them and they know who they are, but still they take me for granted thinking I will not leave them no matter what; that I am desperate, like I don't have anyone else by my side. So wrong. After all, why downgrade yourself just to have company of people who doesn't care if they hurt your feelings by thinking you are less important to them when they have better company? So it means, I am on the road alone again. With nothing just sheer courage to carry on, come what may.
Writing is a comfort for me, I write so much I have no idea if I have written more words than I have ever spoke. Well, it sounds funny isn't it? At times, when people treat me like I am of secondary importance to them even though I thought of them carefully before I speak and many a times, I go out of my way to help but what do I get? Nothing. Not a thank you or a sorry for troubling. And sometimes, even when they show their appreciation, they only do it because some people who are hardly close to me actually mention it! Don't that tell you how foolish am I to stay?
So now, it's time I hit the old road again. With my newfound passion in photography, I will find a deeper sense of solace. I refuse to be a victim of my own emotions, of my need to cling to someone in a deeper manner. If that right person, be it a friend or a lover is there, then there will be regardless. If we have to seek it, it only mean it is not there. If we have to assume that he / she is, then he / she is not. Simple truth. Sometimes I wonder if people really feel that good to be using others emotionally? Or to feel better about themselves? Can they truly disregard someone's emotions?
This is certainly not a good year for relationships for me, not friendship either. Just when one is distanced from me after my seemingly endless patience literally meet it's end, I thought that means "the other one" is truthful and even if she is not now, she will realize someday. Well, she did realize it. Only difference is she realized how insignificant I am to her. So I guess if she or anyone else for the matter think of me as someone expendable, what reasons do I have to think of them as indispensable in my life? No, not at all. True friends don't require us to bear with such a torment.
I don't know. Will I regret this? I have to do what I believe is right, if it is true that living for the present is the way to truly live, then I have to assume it is only right that I put more distance to this "relationship" that is bringing more sorrow after all. And perhaps, the time to burn this bridge will soon come. I mean, one of the biggest life regrets ever is "I wish I'd let myself be happier". So why do I want to make myself even more depressed? After all, my past does not give me the good times to reminisce, I should not let my memoirs be filled with more sadness and pain. No.
It's never wise to allow ourselves to be sad, no. I wonder how did I allow myself to feel this way all these years? All my life actually. To learn to once again embrace the glory of solitude, in being alone is what I need to do. After all, if we rely on others to feel happy I doubt we can truly be happy. Maybe if we find the one we love and that it is meant to be forever. My journey for to find my inner heaven is still long, and it is never easy for someone with my history. But I am not giving up, for I am made to fight for as long as I can, with everything that I got in me. Mind. Body. Soul.
