Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte XII)

31st December 2013 - About 30 minutes to go and 2013 will end, 2014 will begin. Now, I have made 10 resolutions and although I am not sure at all if I can actually, like keep up. One of the most important that I have made is to never allow myself to feel sad unnecessarily. After all, why invite such feelings when there are so many things in life that will hurt you anyhow? One way or another, you will be hurt by something. So why invite such feelings? A lot of times, we can't help it because it is in us; we can't help being negative sometimes, no matter how hard we try!

A number of things cross my mind today, and one of them is that why do people let themselves to feel unappreciated by clinging on to relationships that only gives them more pain? And I wonder why some folks continue to live in the illusion that some people actually think of them as important even when it's clear it is not? And yet, they consciously deny those who are readily there for them, who's been there through the good and bad, through thick and thin yet they look at the superficial things or little little imperfections about them, instead of more worthy aspects?

I am (in a sense) amazed by how people look at the shallow facades most of the time rather than the qualities in a person that is surely more important, that surely should matter more than anything else. Why? My three truest friends in my life, they are hardly what I would call "interesting". They are not the kind of people that express themselves freely, not superbly expressive nor do they make the best jokes but it feels rather "ordinary" being with them, yet special in a certain way.

Have people lost the idea of being friends? If true friends are people who simply gives you the most entertaining times of your life, then I guess just about every sociable person have tons of true friends? I once said, and I will say it again; I wouldn't want to have 1000 friends who can't even remember my name no matter how "fun" it is hanging out with them. After all, hanging out means to have good times but will they hang on there when the times are realistically bad? You decide.

No matter how people choose to deny the truth, the truth stays. Even if 99% of the world have no idea of the truth, it don't mean it is false. Simple fact. But I know, in the age of instant gratification, people usually can't appreciate what is more subtle and things that takes real effort to appreciate and feel grateful for. I was born in that age; 1984 but with the rampant technological advancements, the concept of "getting what you want because you want" has become some kind of social  disease.

For a while, I thought I have met people who can accept the unconventional, yet time only proves they, like most yearn to be with the big crowd. Feeling left behind, and maybe it is a "normal" feeling just not for me. I was born this way, it's not like I am telling myself to be weird deliberately and to defy the crowd, the masses, but somehow it is in me to disagree and to not participate unless I feel moved to do so. Of course, most people find it hard to accept because they are not used to what's beyond normalcy, even though that word is itself severely, severely overrated.

Live life as it is, people will judge. People will make you feel unworthy, unwanted, but being eccentric tends to put you into such positions in the eyes of what society considers "normal". For 2014, I will strive not to long for the company of people who does not see me as someone that matters. After all, why? Why hurt yourself by letting people who doesn't care that much about you make you feel like you are not wanted? Believe it or not, if you really matter to them, you will know. After all, it is true that those who want you in their lives would make the effort to prove it.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte XI)

Ever had people who call you friends when the times are so good that even a random stranger would want a part of you and even when times are slightly better, they are still there to stay. But, when times get a little worse than it normally does, they actually leave? Like for real? Or maybe not leave, they simply bail away as though they for that every minute don't know who you are like all of a sudden? It happens, we all know that but then again do you consider it acceptable? Like it is perfectly alright because "that's just how life goes"? No, not for this Maverick Daydreamer!

Can you believe that after all this time, you come to the realization that the people you thought you can really trust are actually not loyal, that they would not be part of your circle when times are not good? Corny but that's still a fact of life we cannot escape from. And yes, I have also learned that despite how some people always cling on to you when they need a shoulder to cry on, that don't really mean they will not dump you when they think the time is right that your presence makes little or maybe no difference to them. I, even at this age learned this the hard way. Very hard way.

I ask myself time after time; have I not learned from my mistakes? Of trusting people a little more (or way more) than I should? Maybe so. Now, I realize it is all so true that people can be plain ungrateful, some would silently use you just because it seems easier that way. Because it is just more convenient, despite all the times you have been there for them, they can ignore all that. And I wonder, how did I hang on for so long? Some say I am too kind, because no one would be so nice. Maybe I was, and one thing that is not a "maybe" is that I should have known better all along.

Some time ago, "she" made me realize just how insignificant I am to her. That our friendship is not half as important as people who can "have more fun" hanging out with. It's a shame, real shame. That some people think that friendship is all about hanging out, taking photos and posting it on Facebook or Instagram. In the Social Media age of today, this has become a practice although it is really not my thing. So it seems my true friends are indeed people I have known all my life, and the fact that they have been with me all my life, should have told me that they are indeed truthful.

Though the holidays are here, but I think I ought to spend this holiday with more music and writing, in fact, I should do that more often. Solitude is the glory of being alone, so I guess that's how it should remain. Now that I think of it, I really miss listening to love songs in my room alone. "Alone". A very understated word actually even if there are not other physical presences in my room. Only someone like me can understand this, or dreamers alike. At one point in life or another, we tend to miss the one we used to be. So do I, in fact, all the time actually. In a way, I shouldn't be.

Life is about moving on and sometimes we move on from heartache to heartache to find our inner glory, one that no one can take away from us. Despite all the times I have been used, the times that I have been taken for granted, I know that it is most important that I stand tall still. It is hard to accept the fact that people whom you shared your past with actually believe they have the right to judge you just because they have more privileges than you ever had. And even though they know your past, they still can't be concerned enough to be more thoughtful of your emotions. 

I can honestly say, that I have made real efforts to be thoughtful and as caring as possible towards them and they know who they are, but still they take me for granted thinking I will not leave them no matter what; that I am desperate, like I don't have anyone else by my side. So wrong. After all, why downgrade yourself just to have company of people who doesn't care if they hurt your feelings by thinking you are less important to them when they have better company? So it means, I am on the road alone again. With nothing just sheer courage to carry on, come what may.

Writing is a comfort for me, I write so much I have no idea if I have written more words than I have ever spoke. Well, it sounds funny isn't it? At times, when people treat me like I am of secondary importance to them even though I thought of them carefully before I speak and many a times, I go out of my way to help but what do I get? Nothing. Not a thank you or a sorry for troubling. And sometimes, even when they show their appreciation, they only do it because some people who are hardly close to me actually mention it! Don't that tell you how foolish am I to stay?

So now, it's time I hit the old road again. With my newfound passion in photography, I will find a deeper sense of solace. I refuse to be a victim of my own emotions, of my need to cling to someone in a deeper manner. If that right person, be it a friend or a lover is there, then there will be regardless. If we have to seek it, it only mean it is not there. If we have to assume that he / she is, then he / she is not. Simple truth. Sometimes I wonder if people really feel that good to be using others emotionally? Or to feel better about themselves? Can they truly disregard someone's emotions?

This is certainly not a good year for relationships for me, not friendship either. Just when one is distanced from me after my seemingly endless patience literally meet it's end, I thought that means "the other one" is truthful and even if she is not now, she will realize someday. Well, she did realize it. Only difference is she realized how insignificant I am to her. So I guess if she or anyone else for the matter think of me as someone expendable, what reasons do I have to think of them as indispensable in my life? No, not at all. True friends don't require us to bear with such a torment.

I don't know. Will I regret this? I have to do what I believe is right, if it is true that living for the present is the way to truly live, then I have to assume it is only right that I put more distance to this "relationship" that is bringing more sorrow after all. And perhaps, the time to burn this bridge will soon come. I mean, one of the biggest life regrets ever is "I wish I'd let myself be happier". So why do I want to make myself even more depressed? After all, my past does not give me the good times to reminisce, I should not let my memoirs be filled with more sadness and pain. No.

It's never wise to allow ourselves to be sad, no. I wonder how did I allow myself to feel this way all these years? All my life actually. To learn to once again embrace the glory of solitude, in being alone is what I need to do. After all, if we rely on others to feel happy I doubt we can truly be happy. Maybe if we find the one we love and that it is meant to be forever. My journey for to find my inner heaven is still long, and it is never easy for someone with my history. But I am not giving up, for I am made to fight for as long as I can, with everything that I got in me. Mind. Body. Soul.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte X)

It has been forever, since I last posted here. I guess I just sort of lose focus at times and get swayed away from things. This semester seems to be the hardest of them all, and yes, it comes as no surprise because it is indeed the last semester. I mean, what do you do when difficulties all come at once? Of course, we have to overcome it and not back away because it never solves anything, anything at all. The only time backing away is a solution is when you know for sure that you have done all you can and no matter how much more effort you put in, nothing will ever change. Nothing.

And to wake up 5.30 am four days a week is a challenge, particularly when you know you are indeed facing the toughest semester you ever had in your college life thus far and not to forget, at this juncture of your life! When everyone is way out of college and have been in the workforce for years, you are getting started and only almost on the way to ending it and yes, you want to end it well. Not just another high school failure who refused to try to beat the odds. Even if "beating the odds" sound too idealistic and far-fetched, it is hard to forgive yourself if you do not even try.

And yes, someone like me seems to be always linked with a troubled life no matter how small, there will always be troubles. Recently, I bumped into yet another crook and of course, as with many great crooks, he was well masqueraded as a gentleman, and again that reinforces the fact that "the best assassins always look like classy gentlemen who could not hurt a fly if they try to". As for now, I am only hoping justice will be served against these folks who think they can run away from being crooks, or at least I will do my best to not let them get away. Yes, I will.

People can disappoint you, no matter how much you think you trust them. But still I wonder, is it so hard to be true to someone? The way I feel, it seems really effortless to me although I am aware that people do have greed but is it REALLY that hard actually? I may not be the truest person ever, I do have my share of lies but I do believe in "ethical deliberate acts of imperfection". I mean, I read somewhere that an average person lies like four times a day so we can never say we are completely honest after all. Not in this day and age, and not if we are living in urban areas!

I realize a lot of people wants to have true friends, yet their desire for money, power, recognition and other materialistic stuffs sort of overwhelms their want for truancy. If someone who has a terrible past like me can actually not think of such, I cannot understand why people who lived and still live an average life cannot do that! Or even the privileged, although I can always say they are so used to living the way they do that they cannot make changes simply because they refuse to but I cannot fathom that. After all, we change whenever we want to and yes, it comes with great effort.

I like to think that in comparison with most guys, I have the tendency to be more sentimental in a number of ways such as facing "tomorrow" in a literal sense. Such as Monday tomorrow, I feel like I have this fear that I cannot face everything that comes this semester as somehow I long for peace, moments I can drift away watching the blue skies or something. I always long for moments like that regardless of how much time I have for them. And I tend to feel certain emotions that has its relations to the past, and yes, having lived a painful life, I recall them, constantly.

I have to be strong! Corny as it sounds but still, I need to and I will. No matter what the difficulties, there is no giving up unless you are willing to throw all the years and the blood you have given away just because you refuse to keep fighting. Even if you lose the fight in the end, I'd quote from one of my favorite films of all time, "I went out swinging, no one can say I didn't". Yes, Million Dollar Baby. Oh well, I have been swinging them punches all my life and I have no reason to put my hands down now because the only time my hands will go down is when I am dead, literally.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte IX)

What's with inspiration?  It comes and go just like that, and sometimes little explanation exist as to why it even happen. The thing is, you come to a juncture in life where you don't feel like doing anything, like literally. What do you do to regain the hunger and inspiration and motivation you once had? Back then, when you have the will to do everything right, sometimes striving for perfection even though perfection is usually just an illusion that drives people to thrive in something even if it seems so bleak and near impossible to do it.

I haven't feel that inspired at all, and sometimes darkness just pour in, reflecting the pains of the past that you try so hard to forget or at least ignore even if it will not leave you alone, not for good. But when the surroundings are no longer driving you to move on and overwhelm the odds, you just feel like it's already over for you. Like you don't want it no more, yet knowing you can't afford not to face it knowing it's all waiting for you. The consequences, which you know you will regret.

I keep living in the past, those days when everything has its magic, sometimes even in the simplest of things. Today, it all seems lost. Like it doesn't mean much, or nothing at all. The 80's and 90's still live in me, so much so I feel like I am still living in those times when they are long gone. Reminiscing these moments is beautiful, as in the emotions that it bring you. But the difference is, it's a constant reminder of how glorious it used to be and how terrible it is now.

Music, has been my lifelong companion from the moment I hear the first tune playing, perhaps some nursery rhymes or something like that, and now I am supposed to live with the fact that music has become so corrupted and lame. We have songs that go platinum, enjoy heavy airplay and yet it is just plain terrible. Unspeakably terrible. Words are never sufficient to describe how terrible it is, for real. Knowing the consequences of not doing something, yet can't be moved to actually do it, I have to blame it on depression, a feeling of being incapable.

There is nothing more painful than knowing what could have been, and at the same time knowing that you can't do nothing about it. I dwell a lot in the past, and as much as I try not to, I just can't stop that. If I were to be a teenager again, there are just so many things that I would do differently. I wonder how many times have I said this personally, and in a way, publicly. Ain't it true? I mean, I am not much of a positive thinker, and in a way, I know I would have been an extremely positive person today.

A double-edged sword actually, only difference is that I am gonna be on either extreme, nowhere in between. People like to overromanticize their lives, maybe because they are bored of their mundane lives or something and so they like more drama, creating more "emo moments" when in actuality there ain't nothing so much of a big deal. Damn, sometimes I find whiners annoying, particularly when something is so petty yet they talk as though they are facing a catastrophe!

A lof of young people's lives are much easier than before, it's just too bad they don't realize that, if only they have lived in my shoes and in my era they will know how blessed they are in comparison to most who lived in the past eras, I mean, even if they know I doubt they'd appreciate it, not much or maybe not at all. But what can I say? "Generation gap" it is, I suppose. People no longer appreciate hard talks if that's how it's called or what. It's too much about apperances now.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte VIII)

Blogging when you have tons of deadlines sure ain't wise any way you look at it, but still what's life without self expression after all? There is a debate coming up as our assignment and it is even more unwise to think that I will only get myself prepared after the submission of another assignment which would be enough to keep me occupied. And what's worst than dealing with them deadlines is dealing with it while you are groggy for God only knows why. Maybe it is my "virtual rehab" program now that I am imposing upon myself here.

Once again, is it wise to do that when you are facing tight deadlines of which one is due after another, the way college life is nowadays? Without caffeine I sure don't function half as good and yes, maybe I am proving to myself that I can do just as well without caffeine plaguing my system? When my blood reek of coffee beans? Like it not; it all boils down to my will to resist and yes, I guess being a Taurus, endurance is some sort of a gift but then again it sure takes hell of an effort for that, like seriously lots of effort involved!

It's amazing how I am writing this long after, I am already in the 5th semester (technically) although subjects-wise I am practically still in the 4th semester thanks to some dumb arrangements. So now, I guess there is no justice knowing that I enrolled earlier but some folks who enrolled later than me will be graduating at the same time with me just because some people feel like it? This is how unjust the world is today, people have lost their sense of morality. Do they need a lesson on how to reach out into their consciences?

I can tell that even the lecturers (at least some) are pissed off, but who is gonna hear them or us? Okay, so now I am no longer addicted to caffeine in a sense as I can go through most days drinking only a cuppa in the morning and it looks like the coffee powder is running out; thus it might be a good reason to challenge myself not to drink at all or something? Although I have close companions now, but there are still a few that I can't consider my "true friends" because I just know that they may not want to be there for me when I am all down and out.

And ironically, I am still friends with that betrayer? Well, college is a period in your life when everything is ironic I think. Or maybe it's just me. You have everything to talk about; classmates you secretly despise or someone you are secretly close with, although it is not obvious publicly. Like me; can I take pride in knowing that I am rather close with this girl who is cute, diligent and well...generally so adorable that it's hard not to be kind with her? Well, I guess we are two people with two contrasting personalities. Ain't that good for her?

I once said, "If it's not for bad luck, I would have no luck at all". Now, of course the only luck I ever had are the bad and hard one after all, and I see the ones who lives a much better life act as though they are born miserable or anything like that. But who knows the struggles behind innocent eyes? Some say I have girlish looking eyes, and that's why someone say she don't even see me as a guy because my eyes are telling people different or something. 

College students, or perhaps only college students of today  - We like to ignore things, and let it go by until we feel like doing something about it. And yes, needless to say we often pay a price for it and sometimes the price is heavy indeed. Although times have changed so much now, that collegiate life isn't half as meaningful as it was before but still there is always comfort in some friendship that we found. After all, even a team of misfits can be the coolest team ever in the name of togetherness.

I realize those who can't really blend in with the crowd or just don't have the knack to do so are the ones that are deemed misfits and yes, that's what I am and will always be. Loneliness? Well, maybe because I don't have that much company but I guess I can say I am living more meaningfully without all the glamor and popularity of being with the "in" crowd. If I was born decades before, I guess blending in with the popular crowd may not make me feel so out of place.

But being in college at my age, I know of  the challenges that might present itself and yes I think, this is the semester where it seems most obvious when most my mates aren't even with me now. So I guess, being strong is indeed the only choice there is now and perhaps, it is a time to be even stronger because there are lot of changes coming my way and sometimes, I find it kind of sad because these changes reminds me of one thing I find it hard to face; adulthood!

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte VII)

How well does people work with ideas? Do people mostly get ideas randomly out of everything? Like a guy having a coffee or someone who tripped down the stairs as he's leaving for class? Or does most people sit down, and contemplate in an almost mechanical manner to figure out which is the most logical and effective? Well, that I wouldn't be too sure and I guess I needn't be. What I do know is that I must be a little less focused in order to come up with good ones and when I say good ones, it feels so understated. A wacky one perhaps? Oh well, words really don't fit at times. 

Been uploading a whole lot of stuff on YouTube lately, and yeah I guess I am sort of challenging all these copyright crap issues. But still that's how it is. People upload them anyway and seriously, if people are REALLY suppose to only upload what belongs to them like personally and with all the copyright ownership in their hands, YouTube would probably be the most boring site ever! Yeah, its like people are really gonna be so enthusiastic about some dumbass video about some guys goofing around in a park or whatever! Now, if that is originality, it sure is then!

So many plans in mind yet the urge to just procrastinate is just overwhelming and just sit away and do what I do best; dream away. Come one, what else does Star Gazers do best anyway? Okay, another lame excuse I can't keep from using. Or maybe it can be justified in some subtle ways? I realize in every sem, there comes those moments when I feel like I am not gonna weather the storm and everything is just gonna go wrong for some dumb reasons I can hardly stomach.

Talking about troubles in semester, I realize I just figured out another one; "people" and yes, like it not sometimes they are the ones you have to trust whether you can really trust them or not. Right about now, 8.59 am on a Monday morning I am preparing for a presentation at 10 am which I am nervous as hell, as always. But of course, I do hope my nervousness will once again be a driving force instead of something that freezes me up inside. Sometimes, impulse is a really helpful thing.

Just like what happen before; I was told that although I did well, but some people like it not brought me down and yes, it's just a matter of time before I realize the real struggles I am facing and actually have to face it, like for real. Somehow, I sense that something similar is gonna take place now and yes, I shouldn't be surprised at all and I might just have to pretend to be surprised or anything like that. Ever feel like a fool in love with trying to save the world around you?

My personality, to some extent brings me down too I figured. And sometimes, you don't have to wonder why people have to see you fall, it's just like Marvin Hagler; he was despised for all the "right" reasons. It don't matter if he was really great, because people refused to see that. People want to good looking, flashy and pleasant ones to thrive because they are the real attraction or sort of. Sometimes, you have to face the fact that life has given you more obstacles than most. And sadly, or maybe not, it still is "just the way it is".

What's with "friends" sometimes? I mean, do people really have to impress others? What happens to expressing yourself, just the way you are? Well, maybe it's my age, like seriously that I can't take people doing that. I find it pretty despicable or maybe its because I was like that once? Well, brought up with the mentality that it is of "major importance" on being someone deemed acceptable to society as a whole? Let's just say some folks are not that lucky; they were not born with the most pleasant type of personality! 

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte VI)

Less than three days to go before my collegiate crusade begins yet again, and another chapter will be written in my book of life which is as lengthy as the journal of an imprisoned man who has nothing to do but write the remaining of his life away in a parchments.  Now, I am not sure what to expect but I doubt I will be optimistic at first, and I figured a little bit of negativity helps, one way or another. Not that I am condoning myself for not being "positive" but I guess it has to do with "healthy stress" or so? Well, just as long as it serves to my interests = good results.

Okay, we all know that in this day and age good results is not a guarantee to a good job placement. But then again, while I am at it, I want to excel as much as I could. And maybe it's "kiasuism" but that's what it takes to succeed sometimes, or maybe just a little, enough to push one to his / her peak. We all need to be pushed, and yes, oftentimes we have to push ourselves and get pushed by the surrounding burdens, trials and difficulties. It may result in countless sleepless nights, or frustrations on the highest level of the scale. Mentally, psychologically, I have to be well armed!

Been making dozens of videos lately, and I guess it helps to kill time. I am not sure if I have the time to do this in the semester later, but I sure hope I do. After all, it is a long semester and I doubt I will be too busy to get a chance to breathe or anything like that. Last semester was hell, and yeah, I sure hope it doesn't turn out to be like this again LOL! I was on the verge of giving up last semester and I even talked about it openly, and yes surprisingly, people who never actually expressed their concern to me before, actually encouraged me to go on.

Well, it is through such experiences that you learn who really cares, even if they ain't close and who doesn't even if they are near you all the time. Or how they tell you they miss you and "not used to hanging out without you" and stuff like that. These are mere words, they sure ain't promises and even if they are; are they meant to be kept or simply uttered? Now, if it's the later, it might as well be forgotten all together because it simply does not make any sense. Or rather, there is hardly a reason for those words to even be said in the first place.

But then again, it is important to know the kind of role to play in different situations. Like it not, this is really not a world where we get to say we should just ignore those we dislike completely and show all the love we can to those that we like or care about. In this very very unideal world today, that's how it is; role playing. Like those games we used to play back in high school? Back then, the quality of games lie in its plot, characters and above all; substance of the game as a whole. Not goofy CGI effects that HARDLY distorts my view of reality.

After all, perception is of much greater importance than reality and if a game that is "realistic" does not make you perceive of a greater ideal your heart yearns for, how is it called a "good game" then? Now, this is something to ponder about. Another thing to actually contemplate about; what if you found a new friend that seems to share quite some things in common with you and even though we aren't exactly each others' halves, but still so relatable. And there you are; you found someone you believe you can share a lot of your life with that someone.

Now of course it ain't gonna go further than that but what am I saying is that some people who come from a different world all together seems relatable to you than most people your age and you get this uncanny tendency to share parts of your life that if often veiled from most people you know for God knows how many years, possibly people that you know all your life yet it don't mean you can share your darkest secrets with them as though they were made to be your other half or anything like that! Yeah, I guess people know exactly what I mean.