Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte II)

College is starting again tomorrow, and sometimes the thought of not fitting in haunts me once again yet I know age is only a number and I will be as old as I think I am. So what's happening to my "Forever 17" ideal? Will it still remain as an ideal? I know it should be no matter how hard it may be to remain so. After all, I can only do it by heart. But heart is where it counts most, in my belief. But the hurdles of life never pull its punches on me, and once again I know I am in for a fight. Well, life is still a neverending boxing bout, and there ain't never been an easy way out!

How do you feel if someone you thought you can actually trust unveil his / her true colors, in a rather uninvited light? Now, I always thought I could  trust this guy, and just when I think he is one of those who will NEVER judge someone unfairly, that's where I got it wrong. After spending a substantial amount of time with him, I realize not one thing but two, and as you can imagine it isn't great. What is this? Am I a stranger to being stabbed at my heart while I turn my back?

About three weeks before Christmas last year ("last"year eh? Could it be our last, literally!) someone very dear to me passed away at 42 years old, from breast cancer. Now, it was devastating for many reasons which includes the fact that I grew up building many blocks of good memoirs with her. Although I can't say that my childhood or teenage life was great in any way but still I had lots of such happy (albeit few actually) moments spent with her. I remember playing lanterns, cards and many such moments and I adored her as much as she adored me.

I realize from then, that he doesn't care much for my feelings, all he wanted out of me is the good times and basically I might just be a filler for him. I realize he never bothered asking how I feel despite the fact that I was obviously upset. He keep asking me out, to have fun and all that? I mean, can anyone consider themselves a good friend that way? Well, I know that most wouldn't bother asking much less consoling because they are not nearly close enough with me to even bother. And that maybe, don't bother me all that much. I mean, what can I expect?

But for someone claiming to be my true friend? Now isn't this a rather unpleasant revelation so to speak? When I realize that, I decided I will not be as close as I've always been with him knowing that he isn't actually the loyal type. Then recently, another very unpleasantly disturbing revelation; he's been talking behind my back! In spite of all the time I spent helping him even though he never took the effort himself, he go around bitching about me being an arrogant prick who refuses to help him and all that? Sad, but true. I wish I am ignorant enough to deny this. 

 The more he tries to deny it, the more I notice and the easier I ripped him off. Now, he is one of those guys who can give out rather obvious signs of someone who's either been lying or guilty of something. For me, it was quite obvious even though he is usually good in pretending to be nice. He has a great smile and often sweet sounding words, and of course guys like that appear to be more pleasant than someone like me who's practically got a 40 year old voice!

And like it not, people tend to believe in things that look or sound pleasant and I am hardly that kind of guy. Well, I was before but that's before I discover my real self, i.e. who am I really and what is my real identity. I grew up believing I am the straight, quiet and proper kind of guy although deep inside I have this belief that I am highly imaginative. I mean I have always been imaginative, but the environment I grew up in sort of suppress that part of me.

A few years back, in yet another very difficult period of my life I unveiled myself. What my true strengths are, and my identity most of all. Once I did, I realize I became someone else. Someone that may not be the pleasant kind. Now, I wasn't that pleasant before but I was quiet and mostly soft spoken that it feels more "normal" then. But no more, I  guess. I realize normalcy ain't never been a part of me but I believed it should be a part of me.

Maybe to some extent, I can call myself "normal" but for the most part, I am my real self who ain't never been someone who fits into society. Among ordinary people, I am almost certainly some kind of an outcast. Perhaps, I should call it the dreamer's burden!

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte I)

Everyone likes the notion of being forever young, and in my book being 17 for life is the ultimate ideal of being forever young. At 27 years old, I walked into a whole new world of 18 year old's. Against my demons, against the so-called and self perceived odds, I turn back the clock even if I can't do it literally. But in my world, I find it hard to distinguish between reality and my version of it. Or rather, I selectively choose to live in a world of my own where I find the happiness that the material world of Iphones and Ipads or whatever "I's" couldn't offer me.

Now, I never was a fan of tech gadgets although I'd find it convenient and fun to own one of those. Will I even bother spending my precious savings (if I actually have any left!) on these things that would be outdated in no time? Yeah, a year, maybe two? Two years would be EXTREMELY unlikely I believe! Now, going back to college at this age... Is it really an advantage? Do I really have the edge over my younger classmates? Well, this is how I'd put it;

Now, I consider it an "edge" if this is my second diploma or maybe I've had quite a success in my close to 9 years of working life. But the only success I've had is the discovery of self, the enlightenment (one that is wondrous yet painful in many ways), some rude awakening. I had many rude awakenings and as painful as they are, they shaped me into this seemingly unbreakable entity I am today. 

10 years ago after I left high school, I went into college like most would. Like any average Joe's and Jane's out there I had the same hopes, aspirations and dreams. Or rather one that is similar... But little do I know it was just the half step to a whole new beginning. And it sure took half my life to realize that I've been carrying a persona that never was the real me. My upbringing groomed me to become what I never was the the environment that I lived all my life was never kind to me after all.

At times, I wish my blog will be about the great times I've had with my family or friends and this is not to say I didn't have such times in my life. Just that, it really ain't enough for me  to talk about it, seriously and I never had the privilege of being an average Joe. I was taught to take pride in myself, no matter how misunderstood I will be, I should never let what people think make me become any less of my true self. After all, I've always said, "Never be a carbon copy of someone else, no matter how great they may be". 

Who can say that  this is not right? I mean, do we really want to hear people say you are just a copycat of this guy or that guy because you are so unoriginal? Last thing I'd do is having a persona by ripping off of others, and I don't care how great or admirable he may be! Life taught us our persona, and for me I know I have one that may not be all that pleasant to the masses. 

But in a way, life has transformed me somehow, even though I do have some of my inborn qualities still and I am proud to say that it didn't make me change the way I am just because I tend to appear to be more unpopular. But this is where the thrill of the fight is, and what fight is greater than life itself? I wouldn't know, if one has to insist there is a harsher battle out there than life itself, the only answer acceptable in my book? DEATH...