Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte XI)

Ever had people who call you friends when the times are so good that even a random stranger would want a part of you and even when times are slightly better, they are still there to stay. But, when times get a little worse than it normally does, they actually leave? Like for real? Or maybe not leave, they simply bail away as though they for that every minute don't know who you are like all of a sudden? It happens, we all know that but then again do you consider it acceptable? Like it is perfectly alright because "that's just how life goes"? No, not for this Maverick Daydreamer!

Can you believe that after all this time, you come to the realization that the people you thought you can really trust are actually not loyal, that they would not be part of your circle when times are not good? Corny but that's still a fact of life we cannot escape from. And yes, I have also learned that despite how some people always cling on to you when they need a shoulder to cry on, that don't really mean they will not dump you when they think the time is right that your presence makes little or maybe no difference to them. I, even at this age learned this the hard way. Very hard way.

I ask myself time after time; have I not learned from my mistakes? Of trusting people a little more (or way more) than I should? Maybe so. Now, I realize it is all so true that people can be plain ungrateful, some would silently use you just because it seems easier that way. Because it is just more convenient, despite all the times you have been there for them, they can ignore all that. And I wonder, how did I hang on for so long? Some say I am too kind, because no one would be so nice. Maybe I was, and one thing that is not a "maybe" is that I should have known better all along.

Some time ago, "she" made me realize just how insignificant I am to her. That our friendship is not half as important as people who can "have more fun" hanging out with. It's a shame, real shame. That some people think that friendship is all about hanging out, taking photos and posting it on Facebook or Instagram. In the Social Media age of today, this has become a practice although it is really not my thing. So it seems my true friends are indeed people I have known all my life, and the fact that they have been with me all my life, should have told me that they are indeed truthful.

Though the holidays are here, but I think I ought to spend this holiday with more music and writing, in fact, I should do that more often. Solitude is the glory of being alone, so I guess that's how it should remain. Now that I think of it, I really miss listening to love songs in my room alone. "Alone". A very understated word actually even if there are not other physical presences in my room. Only someone like me can understand this, or dreamers alike. At one point in life or another, we tend to miss the one we used to be. So do I, in fact, all the time actually. In a way, I shouldn't be.

Life is about moving on and sometimes we move on from heartache to heartache to find our inner glory, one that no one can take away from us. Despite all the times I have been used, the times that I have been taken for granted, I know that it is most important that I stand tall still. It is hard to accept the fact that people whom you shared your past with actually believe they have the right to judge you just because they have more privileges than you ever had. And even though they know your past, they still can't be concerned enough to be more thoughtful of your emotions. 

I can honestly say, that I have made real efforts to be thoughtful and as caring as possible towards them and they know who they are, but still they take me for granted thinking I will not leave them no matter what; that I am desperate, like I don't have anyone else by my side. So wrong. After all, why downgrade yourself just to have company of people who doesn't care if they hurt your feelings by thinking you are less important to them when they have better company? So it means, I am on the road alone again. With nothing just sheer courage to carry on, come what may.

Writing is a comfort for me, I write so much I have no idea if I have written more words than I have ever spoke. Well, it sounds funny isn't it? At times, when people treat me like I am of secondary importance to them even though I thought of them carefully before I speak and many a times, I go out of my way to help but what do I get? Nothing. Not a thank you or a sorry for troubling. And sometimes, even when they show their appreciation, they only do it because some people who are hardly close to me actually mention it! Don't that tell you how foolish am I to stay?

So now, it's time I hit the old road again. With my newfound passion in photography, I will find a deeper sense of solace. I refuse to be a victim of my own emotions, of my need to cling to someone in a deeper manner. If that right person, be it a friend or a lover is there, then there will be regardless. If we have to seek it, it only mean it is not there. If we have to assume that he / she is, then he / she is not. Simple truth. Sometimes I wonder if people really feel that good to be using others emotionally? Or to feel better about themselves? Can they truly disregard someone's emotions?

This is certainly not a good year for relationships for me, not friendship either. Just when one is distanced from me after my seemingly endless patience literally meet it's end, I thought that means "the other one" is truthful and even if she is not now, she will realize someday. Well, she did realize it. Only difference is she realized how insignificant I am to her. So I guess if she or anyone else for the matter think of me as someone expendable, what reasons do I have to think of them as indispensable in my life? No, not at all. True friends don't require us to bear with such a torment.

I don't know. Will I regret this? I have to do what I believe is right, if it is true that living for the present is the way to truly live, then I have to assume it is only right that I put more distance to this "relationship" that is bringing more sorrow after all. And perhaps, the time to burn this bridge will soon come. I mean, one of the biggest life regrets ever is "I wish I'd let myself be happier". So why do I want to make myself even more depressed? After all, my past does not give me the good times to reminisce, I should not let my memoirs be filled with more sadness and pain. No.

It's never wise to allow ourselves to be sad, no. I wonder how did I allow myself to feel this way all these years? All my life actually. To learn to once again embrace the glory of solitude, in being alone is what I need to do. After all, if we rely on others to feel happy I doubt we can truly be happy. Maybe if we find the one we love and that it is meant to be forever. My journey for to find my inner heaven is still long, and it is never easy for someone with my history. But I am not giving up, for I am made to fight for as long as I can, with everything that I got in me. Mind. Body. Soul.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte X)

It has been forever, since I last posted here. I guess I just sort of lose focus at times and get swayed away from things. This semester seems to be the hardest of them all, and yes, it comes as no surprise because it is indeed the last semester. I mean, what do you do when difficulties all come at once? Of course, we have to overcome it and not back away because it never solves anything, anything at all. The only time backing away is a solution is when you know for sure that you have done all you can and no matter how much more effort you put in, nothing will ever change. Nothing.

And to wake up 5.30 am four days a week is a challenge, particularly when you know you are indeed facing the toughest semester you ever had in your college life thus far and not to forget, at this juncture of your life! When everyone is way out of college and have been in the workforce for years, you are getting started and only almost on the way to ending it and yes, you want to end it well. Not just another high school failure who refused to try to beat the odds. Even if "beating the odds" sound too idealistic and far-fetched, it is hard to forgive yourself if you do not even try.

And yes, someone like me seems to be always linked with a troubled life no matter how small, there will always be troubles. Recently, I bumped into yet another crook and of course, as with many great crooks, he was well masqueraded as a gentleman, and again that reinforces the fact that "the best assassins always look like classy gentlemen who could not hurt a fly if they try to". As for now, I am only hoping justice will be served against these folks who think they can run away from being crooks, or at least I will do my best to not let them get away. Yes, I will.

People can disappoint you, no matter how much you think you trust them. But still I wonder, is it so hard to be true to someone? The way I feel, it seems really effortless to me although I am aware that people do have greed but is it REALLY that hard actually? I may not be the truest person ever, I do have my share of lies but I do believe in "ethical deliberate acts of imperfection". I mean, I read somewhere that an average person lies like four times a day so we can never say we are completely honest after all. Not in this day and age, and not if we are living in urban areas!

I realize a lot of people wants to have true friends, yet their desire for money, power, recognition and other materialistic stuffs sort of overwhelms their want for truancy. If someone who has a terrible past like me can actually not think of such, I cannot understand why people who lived and still live an average life cannot do that! Or even the privileged, although I can always say they are so used to living the way they do that they cannot make changes simply because they refuse to but I cannot fathom that. After all, we change whenever we want to and yes, it comes with great effort.

I like to think that in comparison with most guys, I have the tendency to be more sentimental in a number of ways such as facing "tomorrow" in a literal sense. Such as Monday tomorrow, I feel like I have this fear that I cannot face everything that comes this semester as somehow I long for peace, moments I can drift away watching the blue skies or something. I always long for moments like that regardless of how much time I have for them. And I tend to feel certain emotions that has its relations to the past, and yes, having lived a painful life, I recall them, constantly.

I have to be strong! Corny as it sounds but still, I need to and I will. No matter what the difficulties, there is no giving up unless you are willing to throw all the years and the blood you have given away just because you refuse to keep fighting. Even if you lose the fight in the end, I'd quote from one of my favorite films of all time, "I went out swinging, no one can say I didn't". Yes, Million Dollar Baby. Oh well, I have been swinging them punches all my life and I have no reason to put my hands down now because the only time my hands will go down is when I am dead, literally.