Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte V)

It occurs to me, that some people just won't ever learn. Ask a 12 year old kid to draw out a family portrait and most would draw a happy family with the mama and papa smiling, and maybe the kids will be playing and all that. Yet for some people, raising three kids and in their 60's, never quite learn what a family is. They think that family is a bunch of blokes and babes together under one roof who dines and watch TV together and occasionally go on an outing. Well, REALLY? Now, if that's a family when I guess I got a plenty of them don't I? Or could it be the difference lies in whether they are blood related or not?

So there is little wonder why I find more contentment with people whom I am not related to or in cute animals because they can bring much more comfort than your so called "family members". It's sad, really. Because most people have a happy family to cling on to, where the roof they live under; the place they call "HOME". But for me, the only place I can truly call home is for now, the college library. I mean, where else do I find solace? At home? In my bedroom maybe. It's a shame, because I was born a Taurus and Taureans love family and all that. But for me, family is nothing but the people I was raised with. 

Sad, because I hate to label family that way and I know by heart that's not it. But that's what it is for me, and yes, people can judge me without knowing my journey, without really knowing what I have been through. I may say that they will not last in my shoes, and I know most didn't. I mean, if family is the only issue I have then I will be more content than ever. The place where most people would find their comfort and solace is where I dread being at, and yes, the only reason I am in this living room is the existence of this computer here! Now, I have no idea if they will ever change but I rather assume they won't.

After all, I have understood just how short life is. I am now living with the assumption that I may not have long to go even though I am barely old enough to actually say that. For a man at 27, I feel like I have been through what a lot of people 10 years (or older!) older than I am had been through. So again, I am old by mind, physically I am as old as my age suggests. But by heart, I guess I am young and forever will be despite the circumstances life has brought me into. So even if I am gonna die young, I guess I have no more new regrets now. Somehow, I like to believe I am still trying to outlive any regrets from yesterday.

I transcend the hardships in my life through my visionary world, one that is beyond the comprehension of most. I like quotes a lot, and one of them says, "Don't judge my life if you have not walked my journey." There is so much truth in this, but people don't know or just couldn't care less because it is always more convenient to pass judgement than to try to comprehend or even imagine being in someone else' shoes. Most people, no matter how bad they think their school life is or how terrible their relationship is, they still have a family to cling on to. Yet, do I really have one? Oh well, physically maybe. But I hardly think it matters.

No matter how brief my time on Earth will be, still I am making the best that I have and to live as meaningfully as I could even if it is filled with hardship. But it is through hardships that people are defined, not through the good times for the bad times or perhaps, the WORST will bring out the best in someone. Or it can break someone, completely! And I guess, being one stubborn S.O.B I refused to yield still, no matter how harsh it is. And part of me tells me it's gonna be even harsher. And of course, who else will stand by my side but my own shadow?

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte IV)

Once again, hell is over, for now. But who knows what is coming up next when college starts again? We don't know, and in a way I try my best to be prepared for it.  It appears I ought to be prepared for the next semester in a few ways; such as learning how to draw and yes, I got to refine my skills well enough to be qualified as a "decent "drawer". Does that make sense? Does it have to? Maybe not. Not that it really matters. And yes, even though I never was a fan of photo editing for real, I am starting to enjoy this photoshop thing. I can even say it is actually fun!

Writing seems more fun when I am actually NOT at home. Really. But don't ask me why because it just FEEL better when I am in the library. So what are my thoughts after receiving my finals result yet again? Well, again I have been over worried, so much so that I sink into a hopeless state where I was ready to deliberately yield. But, some very unsuspecting people actually motivate me and on the other hand, some people who are close to me actually further demotivates me. 

Oh well, life is always full of surprises you see. And yes, maybe it ought to be lesser a surprise. And is it just me or right now my interest in writing is not as intense as it was before? That also, shouldn't be much of a surprise for now. I mean, writing will always be a part of my life. Ever since I discovered my love for it, I realize part of me must write; otherwise, I am really not living at all. Even if it's just Facebook ranting or whatever. But of course, I can always be more productive than that!

I have been sharing all kinds of quotes on my Facebook Timeline, and yes, I hate this Timeline just like most. Well, if my computer runs faster than that I ought to feel better but that's the problem; it slows down everything! Oh well, what can I complain? Mr. Zuckerberg didn't charge me nothing for using his invention. Okay, so I guess I should still be thankful that it is still free. 

College has taught me that no one is ever too old to learn a new skill; okay, I mean you can't be 90 years old sitting on a wheelchair and wanting to build muscles like a 32 year old Stallone! But the possibility that is not beyond reach here is to achieve the best possible health even when one is wheelchair-bound. As for me, I realize I still have the mental capacity to learn new skills and even excel in something I never thought I could. Things that I thought I was dead hopeless on. 

And what is it exactly that I mean here? Presentation! All my life, I consider myself a hopeless case when it comes to doing presentation; that I would be lucky if I don't look like an idiot out there and just talk even if no one notices. But now, call it ego if you want; if I realize most people are not really paying attention I consider it bad even if I scored okay. Yes, I discover that I do have the skills needed to do a decent and good presentation. And I discovered it, when I allow myself to make mistakes!

I found out that I am a natural. The more I try to prepare and worry about doing a top notch presentation or even just an okay one, the worse I'd end up doing. When I allow myself to be free of any clutches, I unleash my expressive abilities and it speaks for itself without me trying to hard to find the words. It is just there; the words spoken are fluidly out of my head and for me, some of these ideas or words come very spontaneously. Too much of preparation doesn't work for me.

And my results were much better than I thought; 2A's! I was like, wow! I wasn't at all worried about Law as my grades have been really okay throughout the semester but for Marketing, I was worried sick; I needed at least 20/40 to SURVIVE. As my coursework was like half. But I got a B when I expect myself to only survive it. So my official results; Law (A), Research (A-) and Marketing (B). Happy I was, but still I know I can never be too proud as I was on the verge of quitting!

That's how harsh the last sem was, and of course there were many external setbacks that sort of contributed to the fact that I actually reached to a breaking point. What about the coming semester? It appears there are new challenges each time, and NOTHING is gonna feel the same like the previous semesters. Somehow, a part of me tells me I must be prepared to face setbacks that can be very harsh and crippling to my will. As it almost did me last semester, so I have to be ready.

It could be another betrayal, or even the untimely death of someone I love? Now, I hate sounding so bitter but it happens don't it? Just like the 2nd semester, the night before Finals when I was chatting with a classmate on FB about the main paper and yes, I got news of her young death that shatters my will into a million pieces and my strength at least for that night, dissipated into the wind like ashes of a forgotten man who lived his life in misery and sins, and alone.

I made it a point to practice drawing for about an hour everyday from yesterday from now on, yes. Whether it is my hobby or not I will make it as fun as possible, and I am gonna draw things randomly whether they are things in my room or something I can imagine and I won't say I am totally untalented in drawing but I think my skills can be further refined with more practice. Yeah, so I guess I can! 

Right now, what is my biggest challenge during the holidays? It is to convince someone not to to give up! And yes, it is tough indeed. I can't elaborate in here just what makes him / her contemplates giving up but still I have faith but this time, it is really up to him / her to be strong but as a friend, I will do all I can. I really hope no matter what he / she decides to do, I will always be there, all I can. After all, one should never forget the corny but evergreen phrase; that's what friends are for!

Unsurprisingly, it is also one of my favorite songs from the ever classy diva ~Dione Warwick.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte III)

Now, I often wonder what is the biggest challenge or rather the fun of being in college at this "miling" age? Now, does it matter that I am older only by age? Some would say it's the generation gap and some would even say that it is actually an advantage. But is it? In actuality, it hardly is. Again, if I actually graduated a long time ago and this is like my 2nd diploma or something then college might just be peanuts for me. But still, I have had a hell of a life and they aren't exactly to my advantage. But still, at least I can say that I've learned to be wiser than ever before. 

If this is an edge, then I guess it could be the only one. But still my imaginative nature is often a good thing but quite often a bad one too. I find it hard coping with factual stuffs and what's worst? Things that are logical because my flow of thoughts is simply too sporadic and having an extremely short attention span is just unbearable when you have to face thousands of words and facts and figures. And this happens to be one of those moments in my life where I have to bite hard, and swallow just as hard. Everything seems nothing short of hardship lately, and yes, I am challenged.

This college life is one that is rather unforgettable, although my future memoirs won't be about the parties I went to, the happy moments I had with my buddies. Well, there might be some but most will probably be about the kind of guy people see me as; the one that only a select few will appreciate and most will shun me because of me being myself. Well, that's about how tough being in college at 27/28 years old is. Oh hell, this is the life I was given. Do I have a choice, and if I do will I take it? I'd like to say I won't because I am strong enough to be in this shoe, while most would crumble into pieces. All my life, I keep myself alive by indulging in the thrill of this fight!