Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte IX)

What's with inspiration?  It comes and go just like that, and sometimes little explanation exist as to why it even happen. The thing is, you come to a juncture in life where you don't feel like doing anything, like literally. What do you do to regain the hunger and inspiration and motivation you once had? Back then, when you have the will to do everything right, sometimes striving for perfection even though perfection is usually just an illusion that drives people to thrive in something even if it seems so bleak and near impossible to do it.

I haven't feel that inspired at all, and sometimes darkness just pour in, reflecting the pains of the past that you try so hard to forget or at least ignore even if it will not leave you alone, not for good. But when the surroundings are no longer driving you to move on and overwhelm the odds, you just feel like it's already over for you. Like you don't want it no more, yet knowing you can't afford not to face it knowing it's all waiting for you. The consequences, which you know you will regret.

I keep living in the past, those days when everything has its magic, sometimes even in the simplest of things. Today, it all seems lost. Like it doesn't mean much, or nothing at all. The 80's and 90's still live in me, so much so I feel like I am still living in those times when they are long gone. Reminiscing these moments is beautiful, as in the emotions that it bring you. But the difference is, it's a constant reminder of how glorious it used to be and how terrible it is now.

Music, has been my lifelong companion from the moment I hear the first tune playing, perhaps some nursery rhymes or something like that, and now I am supposed to live with the fact that music has become so corrupted and lame. We have songs that go platinum, enjoy heavy airplay and yet it is just plain terrible. Unspeakably terrible. Words are never sufficient to describe how terrible it is, for real. Knowing the consequences of not doing something, yet can't be moved to actually do it, I have to blame it on depression, a feeling of being incapable.

There is nothing more painful than knowing what could have been, and at the same time knowing that you can't do nothing about it. I dwell a lot in the past, and as much as I try not to, I just can't stop that. If I were to be a teenager again, there are just so many things that I would do differently. I wonder how many times have I said this personally, and in a way, publicly. Ain't it true? I mean, I am not much of a positive thinker, and in a way, I know I would have been an extremely positive person today.

A double-edged sword actually, only difference is that I am gonna be on either extreme, nowhere in between. People like to overromanticize their lives, maybe because they are bored of their mundane lives or something and so they like more drama, creating more "emo moments" when in actuality there ain't nothing so much of a big deal. Damn, sometimes I find whiners annoying, particularly when something is so petty yet they talk as though they are facing a catastrophe!

A lof of young people's lives are much easier than before, it's just too bad they don't realize that, if only they have lived in my shoes and in my era they will know how blessed they are in comparison to most who lived in the past eras, I mean, even if they know I doubt they'd appreciate it, not much or maybe not at all. But what can I say? "Generation gap" it is, I suppose. People no longer appreciate hard talks if that's how it's called or what. It's too much about apperances now.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte VIII)

Blogging when you have tons of deadlines sure ain't wise any way you look at it, but still what's life without self expression after all? There is a debate coming up as our assignment and it is even more unwise to think that I will only get myself prepared after the submission of another assignment which would be enough to keep me occupied. And what's worst than dealing with them deadlines is dealing with it while you are groggy for God only knows why. Maybe it is my "virtual rehab" program now that I am imposing upon myself here.

Once again, is it wise to do that when you are facing tight deadlines of which one is due after another, the way college life is nowadays? Without caffeine I sure don't function half as good and yes, maybe I am proving to myself that I can do just as well without caffeine plaguing my system? When my blood reek of coffee beans? Like it not; it all boils down to my will to resist and yes, I guess being a Taurus, endurance is some sort of a gift but then again it sure takes hell of an effort for that, like seriously lots of effort involved!

It's amazing how I am writing this long after, I am already in the 5th semester (technically) although subjects-wise I am practically still in the 4th semester thanks to some dumb arrangements. So now, I guess there is no justice knowing that I enrolled earlier but some folks who enrolled later than me will be graduating at the same time with me just because some people feel like it? This is how unjust the world is today, people have lost their sense of morality. Do they need a lesson on how to reach out into their consciences?

I can tell that even the lecturers (at least some) are pissed off, but who is gonna hear them or us? Okay, so now I am no longer addicted to caffeine in a sense as I can go through most days drinking only a cuppa in the morning and it looks like the coffee powder is running out; thus it might be a good reason to challenge myself not to drink at all or something? Although I have close companions now, but there are still a few that I can't consider my "true friends" because I just know that they may not want to be there for me when I am all down and out.

And ironically, I am still friends with that betrayer? Well, college is a period in your life when everything is ironic I think. Or maybe it's just me. You have everything to talk about; classmates you secretly despise or someone you are secretly close with, although it is not obvious publicly. Like me; can I take pride in knowing that I am rather close with this girl who is cute, diligent and well...generally so adorable that it's hard not to be kind with her? Well, I guess we are two people with two contrasting personalities. Ain't that good for her?

I once said, "If it's not for bad luck, I would have no luck at all". Now, of course the only luck I ever had are the bad and hard one after all, and I see the ones who lives a much better life act as though they are born miserable or anything like that. But who knows the struggles behind innocent eyes? Some say I have girlish looking eyes, and that's why someone say she don't even see me as a guy because my eyes are telling people different or something. 

College students, or perhaps only college students of today  - We like to ignore things, and let it go by until we feel like doing something about it. And yes, needless to say we often pay a price for it and sometimes the price is heavy indeed. Although times have changed so much now, that collegiate life isn't half as meaningful as it was before but still there is always comfort in some friendship that we found. After all, even a team of misfits can be the coolest team ever in the name of togetherness.

I realize those who can't really blend in with the crowd or just don't have the knack to do so are the ones that are deemed misfits and yes, that's what I am and will always be. Loneliness? Well, maybe because I don't have that much company but I guess I can say I am living more meaningfully without all the glamor and popularity of being with the "in" crowd. If I was born decades before, I guess blending in with the popular crowd may not make me feel so out of place.

But being in college at my age, I know of  the challenges that might present itself and yes I think, this is the semester where it seems most obvious when most my mates aren't even with me now. So I guess, being strong is indeed the only choice there is now and perhaps, it is a time to be even stronger because there are lot of changes coming my way and sometimes, I find it kind of sad because these changes reminds me of one thing I find it hard to face; adulthood!

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte VII)

How well does people work with ideas? Do people mostly get ideas randomly out of everything? Like a guy having a coffee or someone who tripped down the stairs as he's leaving for class? Or does most people sit down, and contemplate in an almost mechanical manner to figure out which is the most logical and effective? Well, that I wouldn't be too sure and I guess I needn't be. What I do know is that I must be a little less focused in order to come up with good ones and when I say good ones, it feels so understated. A wacky one perhaps? Oh well, words really don't fit at times. 

Been uploading a whole lot of stuff on YouTube lately, and yeah I guess I am sort of challenging all these copyright crap issues. But still that's how it is. People upload them anyway and seriously, if people are REALLY suppose to only upload what belongs to them like personally and with all the copyright ownership in their hands, YouTube would probably be the most boring site ever! Yeah, its like people are really gonna be so enthusiastic about some dumbass video about some guys goofing around in a park or whatever! Now, if that is originality, it sure is then!

So many plans in mind yet the urge to just procrastinate is just overwhelming and just sit away and do what I do best; dream away. Come one, what else does Star Gazers do best anyway? Okay, another lame excuse I can't keep from using. Or maybe it can be justified in some subtle ways? I realize in every sem, there comes those moments when I feel like I am not gonna weather the storm and everything is just gonna go wrong for some dumb reasons I can hardly stomach.

Talking about troubles in semester, I realize I just figured out another one; "people" and yes, like it not sometimes they are the ones you have to trust whether you can really trust them or not. Right about now, 8.59 am on a Monday morning I am preparing for a presentation at 10 am which I am nervous as hell, as always. But of course, I do hope my nervousness will once again be a driving force instead of something that freezes me up inside. Sometimes, impulse is a really helpful thing.

Just like what happen before; I was told that although I did well, but some people like it not brought me down and yes, it's just a matter of time before I realize the real struggles I am facing and actually have to face it, like for real. Somehow, I sense that something similar is gonna take place now and yes, I shouldn't be surprised at all and I might just have to pretend to be surprised or anything like that. Ever feel like a fool in love with trying to save the world around you?

My personality, to some extent brings me down too I figured. And sometimes, you don't have to wonder why people have to see you fall, it's just like Marvin Hagler; he was despised for all the "right" reasons. It don't matter if he was really great, because people refused to see that. People want to good looking, flashy and pleasant ones to thrive because they are the real attraction or sort of. Sometimes, you have to face the fact that life has given you more obstacles than most. And sadly, or maybe not, it still is "just the way it is".

What's with "friends" sometimes? I mean, do people really have to impress others? What happens to expressing yourself, just the way you are? Well, maybe it's my age, like seriously that I can't take people doing that. I find it pretty despicable or maybe its because I was like that once? Well, brought up with the mentality that it is of "major importance" on being someone deemed acceptable to society as a whole? Let's just say some folks are not that lucky; they were not born with the most pleasant type of personality! 

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte VI)

Less than three days to go before my collegiate crusade begins yet again, and another chapter will be written in my book of life which is as lengthy as the journal of an imprisoned man who has nothing to do but write the remaining of his life away in a parchments.  Now, I am not sure what to expect but I doubt I will be optimistic at first, and I figured a little bit of negativity helps, one way or another. Not that I am condoning myself for not being "positive" but I guess it has to do with "healthy stress" or so? Well, just as long as it serves to my interests = good results.

Okay, we all know that in this day and age good results is not a guarantee to a good job placement. But then again, while I am at it, I want to excel as much as I could. And maybe it's "kiasuism" but that's what it takes to succeed sometimes, or maybe just a little, enough to push one to his / her peak. We all need to be pushed, and yes, oftentimes we have to push ourselves and get pushed by the surrounding burdens, trials and difficulties. It may result in countless sleepless nights, or frustrations on the highest level of the scale. Mentally, psychologically, I have to be well armed!

Been making dozens of videos lately, and I guess it helps to kill time. I am not sure if I have the time to do this in the semester later, but I sure hope I do. After all, it is a long semester and I doubt I will be too busy to get a chance to breathe or anything like that. Last semester was hell, and yeah, I sure hope it doesn't turn out to be like this again LOL! I was on the verge of giving up last semester and I even talked about it openly, and yes surprisingly, people who never actually expressed their concern to me before, actually encouraged me to go on.

Well, it is through such experiences that you learn who really cares, even if they ain't close and who doesn't even if they are near you all the time. Or how they tell you they miss you and "not used to hanging out without you" and stuff like that. These are mere words, they sure ain't promises and even if they are; are they meant to be kept or simply uttered? Now, if it's the later, it might as well be forgotten all together because it simply does not make any sense. Or rather, there is hardly a reason for those words to even be said in the first place.

But then again, it is important to know the kind of role to play in different situations. Like it not, this is really not a world where we get to say we should just ignore those we dislike completely and show all the love we can to those that we like or care about. In this very very unideal world today, that's how it is; role playing. Like those games we used to play back in high school? Back then, the quality of games lie in its plot, characters and above all; substance of the game as a whole. Not goofy CGI effects that HARDLY distorts my view of reality.

After all, perception is of much greater importance than reality and if a game that is "realistic" does not make you perceive of a greater ideal your heart yearns for, how is it called a "good game" then? Now, this is something to ponder about. Another thing to actually contemplate about; what if you found a new friend that seems to share quite some things in common with you and even though we aren't exactly each others' halves, but still so relatable. And there you are; you found someone you believe you can share a lot of your life with that someone.

Now of course it ain't gonna go further than that but what am I saying is that some people who come from a different world all together seems relatable to you than most people your age and you get this uncanny tendency to share parts of your life that if often veiled from most people you know for God knows how many years, possibly people that you know all your life yet it don't mean you can share your darkest secrets with them as though they were made to be your other half or anything like that! Yeah, I guess people know exactly what I mean.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte V)

It occurs to me, that some people just won't ever learn. Ask a 12 year old kid to draw out a family portrait and most would draw a happy family with the mama and papa smiling, and maybe the kids will be playing and all that. Yet for some people, raising three kids and in their 60's, never quite learn what a family is. They think that family is a bunch of blokes and babes together under one roof who dines and watch TV together and occasionally go on an outing. Well, REALLY? Now, if that's a family when I guess I got a plenty of them don't I? Or could it be the difference lies in whether they are blood related or not?

So there is little wonder why I find more contentment with people whom I am not related to or in cute animals because they can bring much more comfort than your so called "family members". It's sad, really. Because most people have a happy family to cling on to, where the roof they live under; the place they call "HOME". But for me, the only place I can truly call home is for now, the college library. I mean, where else do I find solace? At home? In my bedroom maybe. It's a shame, because I was born a Taurus and Taureans love family and all that. But for me, family is nothing but the people I was raised with. 

Sad, because I hate to label family that way and I know by heart that's not it. But that's what it is for me, and yes, people can judge me without knowing my journey, without really knowing what I have been through. I may say that they will not last in my shoes, and I know most didn't. I mean, if family is the only issue I have then I will be more content than ever. The place where most people would find their comfort and solace is where I dread being at, and yes, the only reason I am in this living room is the existence of this computer here! Now, I have no idea if they will ever change but I rather assume they won't.

After all, I have understood just how short life is. I am now living with the assumption that I may not have long to go even though I am barely old enough to actually say that. For a man at 27, I feel like I have been through what a lot of people 10 years (or older!) older than I am had been through. So again, I am old by mind, physically I am as old as my age suggests. But by heart, I guess I am young and forever will be despite the circumstances life has brought me into. So even if I am gonna die young, I guess I have no more new regrets now. Somehow, I like to believe I am still trying to outlive any regrets from yesterday.

I transcend the hardships in my life through my visionary world, one that is beyond the comprehension of most. I like quotes a lot, and one of them says, "Don't judge my life if you have not walked my journey." There is so much truth in this, but people don't know or just couldn't care less because it is always more convenient to pass judgement than to try to comprehend or even imagine being in someone else' shoes. Most people, no matter how bad they think their school life is or how terrible their relationship is, they still have a family to cling on to. Yet, do I really have one? Oh well, physically maybe. But I hardly think it matters.

No matter how brief my time on Earth will be, still I am making the best that I have and to live as meaningfully as I could even if it is filled with hardship. But it is through hardships that people are defined, not through the good times for the bad times or perhaps, the WORST will bring out the best in someone. Or it can break someone, completely! And I guess, being one stubborn S.O.B I refused to yield still, no matter how harsh it is. And part of me tells me it's gonna be even harsher. And of course, who else will stand by my side but my own shadow?

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte IV)

Once again, hell is over, for now. But who knows what is coming up next when college starts again? We don't know, and in a way I try my best to be prepared for it.  It appears I ought to be prepared for the next semester in a few ways; such as learning how to draw and yes, I got to refine my skills well enough to be qualified as a "decent "drawer". Does that make sense? Does it have to? Maybe not. Not that it really matters. And yes, even though I never was a fan of photo editing for real, I am starting to enjoy this photoshop thing. I can even say it is actually fun!

Writing seems more fun when I am actually NOT at home. Really. But don't ask me why because it just FEEL better when I am in the library. So what are my thoughts after receiving my finals result yet again? Well, again I have been over worried, so much so that I sink into a hopeless state where I was ready to deliberately yield. But, some very unsuspecting people actually motivate me and on the other hand, some people who are close to me actually further demotivates me. 

Oh well, life is always full of surprises you see. And yes, maybe it ought to be lesser a surprise. And is it just me or right now my interest in writing is not as intense as it was before? That also, shouldn't be much of a surprise for now. I mean, writing will always be a part of my life. Ever since I discovered my love for it, I realize part of me must write; otherwise, I am really not living at all. Even if it's just Facebook ranting or whatever. But of course, I can always be more productive than that!

I have been sharing all kinds of quotes on my Facebook Timeline, and yes, I hate this Timeline just like most. Well, if my computer runs faster than that I ought to feel better but that's the problem; it slows down everything! Oh well, what can I complain? Mr. Zuckerberg didn't charge me nothing for using his invention. Okay, so I guess I should still be thankful that it is still free. 

College has taught me that no one is ever too old to learn a new skill; okay, I mean you can't be 90 years old sitting on a wheelchair and wanting to build muscles like a 32 year old Stallone! But the possibility that is not beyond reach here is to achieve the best possible health even when one is wheelchair-bound. As for me, I realize I still have the mental capacity to learn new skills and even excel in something I never thought I could. Things that I thought I was dead hopeless on. 

And what is it exactly that I mean here? Presentation! All my life, I consider myself a hopeless case when it comes to doing presentation; that I would be lucky if I don't look like an idiot out there and just talk even if no one notices. But now, call it ego if you want; if I realize most people are not really paying attention I consider it bad even if I scored okay. Yes, I discover that I do have the skills needed to do a decent and good presentation. And I discovered it, when I allow myself to make mistakes!

I found out that I am a natural. The more I try to prepare and worry about doing a top notch presentation or even just an okay one, the worse I'd end up doing. When I allow myself to be free of any clutches, I unleash my expressive abilities and it speaks for itself without me trying to hard to find the words. It is just there; the words spoken are fluidly out of my head and for me, some of these ideas or words come very spontaneously. Too much of preparation doesn't work for me.

And my results were much better than I thought; 2A's! I was like, wow! I wasn't at all worried about Law as my grades have been really okay throughout the semester but for Marketing, I was worried sick; I needed at least 20/40 to SURVIVE. As my coursework was like half. But I got a B when I expect myself to only survive it. So my official results; Law (A), Research (A-) and Marketing (B). Happy I was, but still I know I can never be too proud as I was on the verge of quitting!

That's how harsh the last sem was, and of course there were many external setbacks that sort of contributed to the fact that I actually reached to a breaking point. What about the coming semester? It appears there are new challenges each time, and NOTHING is gonna feel the same like the previous semesters. Somehow, a part of me tells me I must be prepared to face setbacks that can be very harsh and crippling to my will. As it almost did me last semester, so I have to be ready.

It could be another betrayal, or even the untimely death of someone I love? Now, I hate sounding so bitter but it happens don't it? Just like the 2nd semester, the night before Finals when I was chatting with a classmate on FB about the main paper and yes, I got news of her young death that shatters my will into a million pieces and my strength at least for that night, dissipated into the wind like ashes of a forgotten man who lived his life in misery and sins, and alone.

I made it a point to practice drawing for about an hour everyday from yesterday from now on, yes. Whether it is my hobby or not I will make it as fun as possible, and I am gonna draw things randomly whether they are things in my room or something I can imagine and I won't say I am totally untalented in drawing but I think my skills can be further refined with more practice. Yeah, so I guess I can! 

Right now, what is my biggest challenge during the holidays? It is to convince someone not to to give up! And yes, it is tough indeed. I can't elaborate in here just what makes him / her contemplates giving up but still I have faith but this time, it is really up to him / her to be strong but as a friend, I will do all I can. I really hope no matter what he / she decides to do, I will always be there, all I can. After all, one should never forget the corny but evergreen phrase; that's what friends are for!

Unsurprisingly, it is also one of my favorite songs from the ever classy diva ~Dione Warwick.

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte III)

Now, I often wonder what is the biggest challenge or rather the fun of being in college at this "miling" age? Now, does it matter that I am older only by age? Some would say it's the generation gap and some would even say that it is actually an advantage. But is it? In actuality, it hardly is. Again, if I actually graduated a long time ago and this is like my 2nd diploma or something then college might just be peanuts for me. But still, I have had a hell of a life and they aren't exactly to my advantage. But still, at least I can say that I've learned to be wiser than ever before. 

If this is an edge, then I guess it could be the only one. But still my imaginative nature is often a good thing but quite often a bad one too. I find it hard coping with factual stuffs and what's worst? Things that are logical because my flow of thoughts is simply too sporadic and having an extremely short attention span is just unbearable when you have to face thousands of words and facts and figures. And this happens to be one of those moments in my life where I have to bite hard, and swallow just as hard. Everything seems nothing short of hardship lately, and yes, I am challenged.

This college life is one that is rather unforgettable, although my future memoirs won't be about the parties I went to, the happy moments I had with my buddies. Well, there might be some but most will probably be about the kind of guy people see me as; the one that only a select few will appreciate and most will shun me because of me being myself. Well, that's about how tough being in college at 27/28 years old is. Oh hell, this is the life I was given. Do I have a choice, and if I do will I take it? I'd like to say I won't because I am strong enough to be in this shoe, while most would crumble into pieces. All my life, I keep myself alive by indulging in the thrill of this fight!

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte II)

College is starting again tomorrow, and sometimes the thought of not fitting in haunts me once again yet I know age is only a number and I will be as old as I think I am. So what's happening to my "Forever 17" ideal? Will it still remain as an ideal? I know it should be no matter how hard it may be to remain so. After all, I can only do it by heart. But heart is where it counts most, in my belief. But the hurdles of life never pull its punches on me, and once again I know I am in for a fight. Well, life is still a neverending boxing bout, and there ain't never been an easy way out!

How do you feel if someone you thought you can actually trust unveil his / her true colors, in a rather uninvited light? Now, I always thought I could  trust this guy, and just when I think he is one of those who will NEVER judge someone unfairly, that's where I got it wrong. After spending a substantial amount of time with him, I realize not one thing but two, and as you can imagine it isn't great. What is this? Am I a stranger to being stabbed at my heart while I turn my back?

About three weeks before Christmas last year ("last"year eh? Could it be our last, literally!) someone very dear to me passed away at 42 years old, from breast cancer. Now, it was devastating for many reasons which includes the fact that I grew up building many blocks of good memoirs with her. Although I can't say that my childhood or teenage life was great in any way but still I had lots of such happy (albeit few actually) moments spent with her. I remember playing lanterns, cards and many such moments and I adored her as much as she adored me.

I realize from then, that he doesn't care much for my feelings, all he wanted out of me is the good times and basically I might just be a filler for him. I realize he never bothered asking how I feel despite the fact that I was obviously upset. He keep asking me out, to have fun and all that? I mean, can anyone consider themselves a good friend that way? Well, I know that most wouldn't bother asking much less consoling because they are not nearly close enough with me to even bother. And that maybe, don't bother me all that much. I mean, what can I expect?

But for someone claiming to be my true friend? Now isn't this a rather unpleasant revelation so to speak? When I realize that, I decided I will not be as close as I've always been with him knowing that he isn't actually the loyal type. Then recently, another very unpleasantly disturbing revelation; he's been talking behind my back! In spite of all the time I spent helping him even though he never took the effort himself, he go around bitching about me being an arrogant prick who refuses to help him and all that? Sad, but true. I wish I am ignorant enough to deny this. 

 The more he tries to deny it, the more I notice and the easier I ripped him off. Now, he is one of those guys who can give out rather obvious signs of someone who's either been lying or guilty of something. For me, it was quite obvious even though he is usually good in pretending to be nice. He has a great smile and often sweet sounding words, and of course guys like that appear to be more pleasant than someone like me who's practically got a 40 year old voice!

And like it not, people tend to believe in things that look or sound pleasant and I am hardly that kind of guy. Well, I was before but that's before I discover my real self, i.e. who am I really and what is my real identity. I grew up believing I am the straight, quiet and proper kind of guy although deep inside I have this belief that I am highly imaginative. I mean I have always been imaginative, but the environment I grew up in sort of suppress that part of me.

A few years back, in yet another very difficult period of my life I unveiled myself. What my true strengths are, and my identity most of all. Once I did, I realize I became someone else. Someone that may not be the pleasant kind. Now, I wasn't that pleasant before but I was quiet and mostly soft spoken that it feels more "normal" then. But no more, I  guess. I realize normalcy ain't never been a part of me but I believed it should be a part of me.

Maybe to some extent, I can call myself "normal" but for the most part, I am my real self who ain't never been someone who fits into society. Among ordinary people, I am almost certainly some kind of an outcast. Perhaps, I should call it the dreamer's burden!

Faithfully 17, Forever... (Parte I)

Everyone likes the notion of being forever young, and in my book being 17 for life is the ultimate ideal of being forever young. At 27 years old, I walked into a whole new world of 18 year old's. Against my demons, against the so-called and self perceived odds, I turn back the clock even if I can't do it literally. But in my world, I find it hard to distinguish between reality and my version of it. Or rather, I selectively choose to live in a world of my own where I find the happiness that the material world of Iphones and Ipads or whatever "I's" couldn't offer me.

Now, I never was a fan of tech gadgets although I'd find it convenient and fun to own one of those. Will I even bother spending my precious savings (if I actually have any left!) on these things that would be outdated in no time? Yeah, a year, maybe two? Two years would be EXTREMELY unlikely I believe! Now, going back to college at this age... Is it really an advantage? Do I really have the edge over my younger classmates? Well, this is how I'd put it;

Now, I consider it an "edge" if this is my second diploma or maybe I've had quite a success in my close to 9 years of working life. But the only success I've had is the discovery of self, the enlightenment (one that is wondrous yet painful in many ways), some rude awakening. I had many rude awakenings and as painful as they are, they shaped me into this seemingly unbreakable entity I am today. 

10 years ago after I left high school, I went into college like most would. Like any average Joe's and Jane's out there I had the same hopes, aspirations and dreams. Or rather one that is similar... But little do I know it was just the half step to a whole new beginning. And it sure took half my life to realize that I've been carrying a persona that never was the real me. My upbringing groomed me to become what I never was the the environment that I lived all my life was never kind to me after all.

At times, I wish my blog will be about the great times I've had with my family or friends and this is not to say I didn't have such times in my life. Just that, it really ain't enough for me  to talk about it, seriously and I never had the privilege of being an average Joe. I was taught to take pride in myself, no matter how misunderstood I will be, I should never let what people think make me become any less of my true self. After all, I've always said, "Never be a carbon copy of someone else, no matter how great they may be". 

Who can say that  this is not right? I mean, do we really want to hear people say you are just a copycat of this guy or that guy because you are so unoriginal? Last thing I'd do is having a persona by ripping off of others, and I don't care how great or admirable he may be! Life taught us our persona, and for me I know I have one that may not be all that pleasant to the masses. 

But in a way, life has transformed me somehow, even though I do have some of my inborn qualities still and I am proud to say that it didn't make me change the way I am just because I tend to appear to be more unpopular. But this is where the thrill of the fight is, and what fight is greater than life itself? I wouldn't know, if one has to insist there is a harsher battle out there than life itself, the only answer acceptable in my book? DEATH...